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[personal profile] alicia_h
Feeling much more mentally engaged since coming off sertraline the other day. I felt the difference two weeks ago when I went down from 100 to 50 and my parents saw it too.

Had a rough day on Tuesday but that was mostly due to feeling poorly in the morning but making my myself go out to 1) spend some time with my mum before she went back to Sheffield and 2) visit my favourite shop. The shop turned out to have shut just a few days before and I'd missed out on a lot of cheap books and music in the last day sale. Worse was the idiots who walk past going 'ooh she's crying' when, no, I'm not actually crying. I'm feeling partly upset at seeing the best shop in town gutted, partly annoyed at losing out on a bargain (northern and/or aspergers book nerds will understand this I'm sure). I'm also trying to decide if I should wait there for my mum or go back to meet her at the cash machine.

I spend so much time on my own these days that I forget that some people out there seem to take pleasure in another's pain. This is why I never want to be like the people who dismiss someone because they're weird or different or look upset enough that a stranger on the street might notice.

It's not always easy to ask someone 'are you okay?' and you can't be sure how it would make them feel or react. It'll probably make them feel a lot better letting them overhear you laughing about them with your friends. It's okay to not say something to someone who is either having or trying to avoid having a weepy moment in public, some of us are happier to be left alone. Just don't walk behind them making comment. Either you are being nasty on purpose or you don't care if someone can overhear you from half a foot away.

There's a famous saying that starts something like "if you can't think of anything nice to say to someone..." that, last time I checked, does not end "try to make them cry more", "provoke them into a fight they can't win" or "gossip about them within earshot".

It wasn't the worst thing that could have happened but it certainly wasn't the best time to be reminded of the attitudes of people I was forced into proximity with at school, uni halls, shared houses. There's also been the year of watching powerful bullies gain more power while a lot of the genuinely good people have been dying off.

I had another couple of hours with my mum, going round other bookshops and the library and a cafe lunch. Mum had stayed over the night before so after lunch she went off for her train and I came straight home.
I did a lot of crying on Tuesday evening, partly due to what happened but a lot to do with built up upset and anxieties from the past six months.

I felt a lot better on Wednesday, having slept well and feeling a lot more positive than the day before.
Today I'm feeling fairily positive again. I feel quite tired physically but I was dealing with that before and it's easier to distract myself without the sertraline brain fog. I got a bit teary writing this but in all honesty I wasn't expecting to write this at all, especially considering it's about emotions and real life.

This in itself shows I'm already improving. I started writing this post because of four cards I pulled at random from one of my favourite tarot decks. Using my tarot cards to help me write or think through problems or ideas floating around my head is another thing that has seemed impossible these last few months.
Now I'm feeling hopeful about the end of this year and the start of the new one. :-)
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Alicia

December 2016

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