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Sep. 6th, 2017 11:53 pmI’m feeling low tonight. Nothing’s happened today to bring it on. Probably being tired and hormonal is letting grief, depression and anxiety sneak back in and wear me down from the inside.
It’s been just over three months since my Grandad Jack died. My grief comes and goes in waves. There’s been plenty of times recently when I’ve been happier than I’d been in a long, long, long while because I’ve felt productive. I’ve been writing and enjoying writing.
Then the self doubt creeps back in. It tells me my writing is awful, or it’s okay but no one will want to read it. That I can never show it to ‘normal’ people because it involves shipping fictionalised versions of historical figures. That it’s good but the people might want to read it won’t because I’m shipping the wrong people.
When researching, I get angry at myself for not knowing everything. I get frustrated that I can’t read every single history book and biography at the same time. There are days when the language of 18th Century letters doesn’t make sense and I feel so stupid.
And I miss my Grandad. I feel guilty that he never got to see me do anything with my life. I dropped out of university and I’ve never had a job. I had years of writer’s block so I didn’t even consider myself a writer.
I got into Hamilton because I needed something to listen to obsessively and something that would help me cry. It did its job on both fronts. After a month of listening to Hamilton non-stop, I started writing.
Over the next month I started needing more. I went searching online, hoping to find films and TV series set during the American Revolution.
I found Turn: Washington’s Spies. I fell in love.
It’s not perfect and the more background information I read, the more I wish they could have included.
As a fan it leaves me torn between disappointment that we missed out on so much and hope for a potential spin off. I want to see more of the characters we saw far too little of (like Hamilton and Lafayette) and never got to see at all (John Laurens and Tench Tilghman to name just two).
As a writer, I know I have so much work to do.
It’s been just over three months since my Grandad Jack died. My grief comes and goes in waves. There’s been plenty of times recently when I’ve been happier than I’d been in a long, long, long while because I’ve felt productive. I’ve been writing and enjoying writing.
Then the self doubt creeps back in. It tells me my writing is awful, or it’s okay but no one will want to read it. That I can never show it to ‘normal’ people because it involves shipping fictionalised versions of historical figures. That it’s good but the people might want to read it won’t because I’m shipping the wrong people.
When researching, I get angry at myself for not knowing everything. I get frustrated that I can’t read every single history book and biography at the same time. There are days when the language of 18th Century letters doesn’t make sense and I feel so stupid.
And I miss my Grandad. I feel guilty that he never got to see me do anything with my life. I dropped out of university and I’ve never had a job. I had years of writer’s block so I didn’t even consider myself a writer.
I got into Hamilton because I needed something to listen to obsessively and something that would help me cry. It did its job on both fronts. After a month of listening to Hamilton non-stop, I started writing.
Over the next month I started needing more. I went searching online, hoping to find films and TV series set during the American Revolution.
I found Turn: Washington’s Spies. I fell in love.
It’s not perfect and the more background information I read, the more I wish they could have included.
As a fan it leaves me torn between disappointment that we missed out on so much and hope for a potential spin off. I want to see more of the characters we saw far too little of (like Hamilton and Lafayette) and never got to see at all (John Laurens and Tench Tilghman to name just two).
As a writer, I know I have so much work to do.
