alicia_h: (Moominpappa)
I’m feeling low tonight. Nothing’s happened today to bring it on. Probably being tired and hormonal is letting grief, depression and anxiety sneak back in and wear me down from the inside.

It’s been just over three months since my Grandad Jack died. My grief comes and goes in waves. There’s been plenty of times recently when I’ve been happier than I’d been in a long, long, long while because I’ve felt productive. I’ve been writing and enjoying writing.

Then the self doubt creeps back in. It tells me my writing is awful, or it’s okay but no one will want to read it. That I can never show it to ‘normal’ people because it involves shipping fictionalised versions of historical figures. That it’s good but the people might want to read it won’t because I’m shipping the wrong people.

When researching, I get angry at myself for not knowing everything. I get frustrated that I can’t read every single history book and biography at the same time. There are days when the language of 18th Century letters doesn’t make sense and I feel so stupid.

And I miss my Grandad. I feel guilty that he never got to see me do anything with my life. I dropped out of university and I’ve never had a job. I had years of writer’s block so I didn’t even consider myself a writer.

I got into Hamilton because I needed something to listen to obsessively and something that would help me cry. It did its job on both fronts. After a month of listening to Hamilton non-stop, I started writing.

Over the next month I started needing more. I went searching online, hoping to find films and TV series set during the American Revolution.

I found Turn: Washington’s Spies. I fell in love.

It’s not perfect and the more background information I read, the more I wish they could have included.

As a fan it leaves me torn between disappointment that we missed out on so much and hope for a potential spin off. I want to see more of the characters we saw far too little of (like Hamilton and Lafayette) and never got to see at all (John Laurens and Tench Tilghman to name just two).

As a writer, I know I have so much work to do.
alicia_h: (Default)
Feeling much more mentally engaged since coming off sertraline the other day. I felt the difference two weeks ago when I went down from 100 to 50 and my parents saw it too.

Had a rough day on Tuesday but that was mostly due to feeling poorly in the morning but making my myself go out to 1) spend some time with my mum before she went back to Sheffield and 2) visit my favourite shop. The shop turned out to have shut just a few days before and I'd missed out on a lot of cheap books and music in the last day sale. Worse was the idiots who walk past going 'ooh she's crying' when, no, I'm not actually crying. I'm feeling partly upset at seeing the best shop in town gutted, partly annoyed at losing out on a bargain (northern and/or aspergers book nerds will understand this I'm sure). I'm also trying to decide if I should wait there for my mum or go back to meet her at the cash machine.

I spend so much time on my own these days that I forget that some people out there seem to take pleasure in another's pain. This is why I never want to be like the people who dismiss someone because they're weird or different or look upset enough that a stranger on the street might notice.

It's not always easy to ask someone 'are you okay?' and you can't be sure how it would make them feel or react. It'll probably make them feel a lot better letting them overhear you laughing about them with your friends. It's okay to not say something to someone who is either having or trying to avoid having a weepy moment in public, some of us are happier to be left alone. Just don't walk behind them making comment. Either you are being nasty on purpose or you don't care if someone can overhear you from half a foot away.

There's a famous saying that starts something like "if you can't think of anything nice to say to someone..." that, last time I checked, does not end "try to make them cry more", "provoke them into a fight they can't win" or "gossip about them within earshot".

It wasn't the worst thing that could have happened but it certainly wasn't the best time to be reminded of the attitudes of people I was forced into proximity with at school, uni halls, shared houses. There's also been the year of watching powerful bullies gain more power while a lot of the genuinely good people have been dying off.

I had another couple of hours with my mum, going round other bookshops and the library and a cafe lunch. Mum had stayed over the night before so after lunch she went off for her train and I came straight home.
I did a lot of crying on Tuesday evening, partly due to what happened but a lot to do with built up upset and anxieties from the past six months.

I felt a lot better on Wednesday, having slept well and feeling a lot more positive than the day before.
Today I'm feeling fairily positive again. I feel quite tired physically but I was dealing with that before and it's easier to distract myself without the sertraline brain fog. I got a bit teary writing this but in all honesty I wasn't expecting to write this at all, especially considering it's about emotions and real life.

This in itself shows I'm already improving. I started writing this post because of four cards I pulled at random from one of my favourite tarot decks. Using my tarot cards to help me write or think through problems or ideas floating around my head is another thing that has seemed impossible these last few months.
Now I'm feeling hopeful about the end of this year and the start of the new one. :-)
alicia_h: (Default)
First Haiku
Warrior with wings
Nurtures flowers in her hands
Life rises from flames

Second Haiku
Chase after your star
The candled stag stirs the wine
Angel deals judgement

Third Haiku
Dragons' hearts are strong
Dance blind and love knowingly
And hold the child close

Warrior with wings stands in the sun
Nurtures flowers held in her hands
Living wand rises from flames
Chase your falling star while
The stag stirs the wine
Passing judgement
Dragon heart
Blind dance

Deck used: Ostara Tarot (ipad app version)
Cards drawn (one line for each):
The Sun
The Empress
Ace of Wands
The Star
King of Cups
The Lovers
Queen of Coins
alicia_h: (Default)
Revelation Don't Waste My Time You've Come Back I Never Meant To Hurt You This Is Goodbye
In the Deep Never Quite Enough Please Don't Let Me Go Bright Light Sever All My Ties
Wasted Love For You On the Shore WILD CARD (writer's choice) So Cold Running into the Dark
Till the Street Lights Came On Right Before The Rain All That I've Waited For Time Slips to Nothing Standing Still
Just Drive Empty of Anthems Courage Insecurity Falling Over

Wild Card
Criminal Minds Nonet
alicia_h: (Default)
Round table room, photos of horrors
Third murder makes it serial
Wheels up in thirty, Hotch says
Reid recites stats and facts
Present the profile
We missed something
Shock reveal
alicia_h: (Default)
Title: Dean's Prayer to an Ex-Angel
Word Count: 602
Rating: PG
Fandom or Original: Fandom (Supernatural)
Pairings (if any): Dean/Castiel friendship/UST
Warnings: Spoilers for Supernatural season 9 up to episode 3.
Summary: An alternate ending to 9.03 'I'm no Angel'. Dean feels anxious about the way he's lying to his brother to keep him alive and guilty about telling Cas to leave. The only thing he can think to do to help sort through his thoughts is go to his room and pray to Cas - who probably can't and, Dean is sure, doesn't want to hear what he has to say.

“Cas. Hey. Now you're human, I assume our soul-phone contract's expired. That means I'm talking to myself like a crazy person for real this time. But, hell, what else am I supposed to do? This... this is what I do when I don't know what to do.

“Okay, here goes. I need you here, Cas. I need to be doing everything I can to keep you alive, you wingless son of a bitch, because I never want to walk into a room and find you dead again. You know something? I just straight up need you.

Read more... )

Read on A03

 photo 72ae6f51-1faf-47e5-b39e-1482017ee321_zpsc17f2ec0.png
alicia_h: (60s girl)
Writerverse Phase 12 Challenge 1 (Weekly Quick Fic 1)
Title: Au revoir
Prompt: “One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” (Jack Kerouac)
Bonus? no
Word Count: 564
Rating: PG
Original/Fandom: Fanfic - Inside Llewyn Davis (Coen brothers)
Pairings (if any): Hints of Llewyn Davis/Mike Timlin
Warnings (Non-Con/Dub-Con etc): Mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts
Summary: Inside Llewyn Davis's head in the minutes after the film ends

Llewyn's mouth is full of blood. He can hear the singing inside the club as he stands and the twin bruises that were once his kidneys protest. In the quiet moment where he is nothing but blood and pain, he hopes the kid gets all the luck he's been living without.

Luck is the only thing that will make a difference. The one think that can mark out the separate paths of their lives. You have the talent. Now you need a lot of luck. And friends with couches. What else is left for this new kid to inherit but a world of novelty hits with no royalties and the crushing superiority of sweet sounding trios of sell outs like Troy, Jim and Jean?

He can't just leave. He needs his half of the basket and to beg a couch for the night. Part of him wants to curl up and sleep right here in the alley. Another part tells him to walk until his aching feet take him to the bridge.

Mike chose the George Washington Bridge because he loved the view. He wasn't trying to make a point or become part of the cliche. He wanted out. He wanted to get away from the life surrounded by phonies and sell outs, all those other fucking cliches.

He wanted to get away from me, Llewyn thinks.

It's not the first time this thought has come to him, but it is the first time he's acknowledged it. And, now he has, maybe he can start denying it. No, not denying, because denying is the wrong word. He can break down the thought and sort through it piece by piece. He can evaluate his own perceived truth.

Eventually he might be able to believe that Mike didn't kill himself to get away from him. Mike did what he did and maybe it was to get away from one thing or everything in his life. Llewyn was part of that life and now he isn't. He's the leftover that's been left to rot.

He thinks, even if Mike didn't want to get away from me, I want to get away from me. That's the scary part.

Llewyn washes his face in the bathroom. He thinks about sitting at the back or side of the room, out of view, but he wants to see the kid play as much as he wants to hear him. If he only wanted to hear, he'd be just as happy back out in the alley. But Mike would have sat up front, so that's what Llewyn does.

Mike would have loved this kid, he thinks.

And, he realises, this is the first time he's thought of Mike without wanting to throw up. It must mean something that his first good thought of the year is about Mike. After months of molten grief churning inside him, something is starting to solidify. If that all over sick feeling fades, maybe he can learn to carry around whatever is left.

One day he will find a way to let the memory of Mike live in his mind without the confusion of grief. He will find the right words, and they will be simple.
alicia_h: (Nell the fiddler)
Believe it or not, Renaissance's singer Annie Haslam has a whole album of lyrics set to classical music. This is the only song I've heard so far...
Read more... )
alicia_h: (Mycroft Holmes)
Wake from Silence

The silence in the hours before dawn was absolute. There were no birds heralding the arrival of light into the world and no sign of the familiar dirigibles or bi-planes flying overhead as Felix strode across the wet grass to the stables.
Read more... )
alicia_h: (Nell (blonde))
Famous Blue Raincoat
Read more... )
alicia_h: (Nell (blonde))
I had this on cassette tape once upon a time and it's stuck with me ever since!

Read more... )
alicia_h: (Pilot)
Title: Trespassing
Prompt: Trespassing and Laughter (as well as 2 and b from this prompt from [community profile] stayintheroom on dreamwidth)
Bonus? No
Word Count: 878
Rating: PG
Original/Fandom: Original (German occupation of the Channel Islands)
Pairings (if any) Erica/Haber
Warnings (Non-Con/Dub-Con etc): none
Summary: Erica doesn't mean to spy or trespass or intrude, she just wants to see him.

'Does it count as trespassing if you lot were, strictly speaking, trespassing first?' I ask with hopes of getting some sort of reaction out of him. Anything would do. )
alicia_h: (Lighthouse)
There are tours inside the Corbiere Lighthouse happening next year. This is the lighthouse I settled on as the lighthouse in my Channel Islands novel. I know that I absolutely have to go and the frightening and thrilling thing is that if I don't go to the roleplaying nationals this year, I could probably afford it.
alicia_h: (Default)
An entry or part of one from Nell's diary. Still rough and needs a beginning and a date, though that can wait until I've written more of the story. I've been rereading pieces I wrote from Erica's point of view from earlier this year. I'm still deciding if the final version of the 10K story will be evenly split between Erica and Nell or if Erica's parts will be bits of her diaries and letters that Nell finds or is given.

Read more... )


alicia_h: (Default)

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