Plastic Lions & Fantastic Phantoms

Feeling much more mentally engaged since coming off sertraline the other day. I felt the difference two weeks ago when I went down from 100 to 50 and my parents saw it too.

Had a rough day on Tuesday but that was mostly due to feeling poorly in the morning but making my myself go out to 1) spend some time with my mum before she went back to Sheffield and 2) visit my favourite shop. The shop turned out to have shut just a few days before and I'd missed out on a lot of cheap books and music in the last day sale. Worse was the idiots who walk past going 'ooh she's crying' when, no, I'm not actually crying. I'm feeling partly upset at seeing the best shop in town gutted, partly annoyed at losing out on a bargain (northern and/or aspergers book nerds will understand this I'm sure). I'm also trying to decide if I should wait there for my mum or go back to meet her at the cash machine.

I spend so much time on my own these days that I forget that some people out there seem to take pleasure in another's pain. This is why I never want to be like the people who dismiss someone because they're weird or different or look upset enough that a stranger on the street might notice.

It's not always easy to ask someone 'are you okay?' and you can't be sure how it would make them feel or react. It'll probably make them feel a lot better letting them overhear you laughing about them with your friends. It's okay to not say something to someone who is either having or trying to avoid having a weepy moment in public, some of us are happier to be left alone. Just don't walk behind them making comment. Either you are being nasty on purpose or you don't care if someone can overhear you from half a foot away.

There's a famous saying that starts something like "if you can't think of anything nice to say to someone..." that, last time I checked, does not end "try to make them cry more", "provoke them into a fight they can't win" or "gossip about them within earshot".

It wasn't the worst thing that could have happened but it certainly wasn't the best time to be reminded of the attitudes of people I was forced into proximity with at school, uni halls, shared houses. There's also been the year of watching powerful bullies gain more power while a lot of the genuinely good people have been dying off.

I had another couple of hours with my mum, going round other bookshops and the library and a cafe lunch. Mum had stayed over the night before so after lunch she went off for her train and I came straight home.
I did a lot of crying on Tuesday evening, partly due to what happened but a lot to do with built up upset and anxieties from the past six months.

I felt a lot better on Wednesday, having slept well and feeling a lot more positive than the day before.
Today I'm feeling fairily positive again. I feel quite tired physically but I was dealing with that before and it's easier to distract myself without the sertraline brain fog. I got a bit teary writing this but in all honesty I wasn't expecting to write this at all, especially considering it's about emotions and real life.

This in itself shows I'm already improving. I started writing this post because of four cards I pulled at random from one of my favourite tarot decks. Using my tarot cards to help me write or think through problems or ideas floating around my head is another thing that has seemed impossible these last few months.
Now I'm feeling hopeful about the end of this year and the start of the new one. :-)

Revelation	Don't Waste My Time	You've Come Back	I Never Meant To Hurt You	This Is Goodbye
In the Deep	Never Quite Enough	Please Don't Let Me Go	Bright Light	Sever All My Ties
Wasted Love For You	On the Shore	WILD CARD (writer's choice)	So Cold	Running into the Dark
Till the Street Lights Came On	Right Before The Rain	All That I've Waited For	Time Slips to Nothing	Standing Still
Just Drive	Empty of Anthems	Courage	Insecurity	Falling Over

Wild Card
Criminal Minds Nonet
http://alicia-h.dreamwidth.org/51421.html

Writerverse Phase 12 Challenge 1 (Weekly Quick Fic 1)
Title: Au revoir
Prompt: “One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.” (Jack Kerouac)
Bonus? no
Word Count: 564
Rating: PG
Original/Fandom: Fanfic - Inside Llewyn Davis (Coen brothers)
Pairings (if any): Hints of Llewyn Davis/Mike Timlin
Warnings (Non-Con/Dub-Con etc): Mentions of suicide and suicidal thoughts
Summary: Inside Llewyn Davis's head in the minutes after the film ends

Llewyn's mouth is full of blood. He can hear the singing inside the club as he stands and the twin bruises that were once his kidneys protest. In the quiet moment where he is nothing but blood and pain, he hopes the kid gets all the luck he's been living without.

Luck is the only thing that will make a difference. The one think that can mark out the separate paths of their lives. You have the talent. Now you need a lot of luck. And friends with couches. What else is left for this new kid to inherit but a world of novelty hits with no royalties and the crushing superiority of sweet sounding trios of sell outs like Troy, Jim and Jean?

He can't just leave. He needs his half of the basket and to beg a couch for the night. Part of him wants to curl up and sleep right here in the alley. Another part tells him to walk until his aching feet take him to the bridge.

Mike chose the George Washington Bridge because he loved the view. He wasn't trying to make a point or become part of the cliche. He wanted out. He wanted to get away from the life surrounded by phonies and sell outs, all those other fucking cliches.

He wanted to get away from me, Llewyn thinks.

It's not the first time this thought has come to him, but it is the first time he's acknowledged it. And, now he has, maybe he can start denying it. No, not denying, because denying is the wrong word. He can break down the thought and sort through it piece by piece. He can evaluate his own perceived truth.

Eventually he might be able to believe that Mike didn't kill himself to get away from him. Mike did what he did and maybe it was to get away from one thing or everything in his life. Llewyn was part of that life and now he isn't. He's the leftover that's been left to rot.

He thinks, even if Mike didn't want to get away from me, I want to get away from me. That's the scary part.

Llewyn washes his face in the bathroom. He thinks about sitting at the back or side of the room, out of view, but he wants to see the kid play as much as he wants to hear him. If he only wanted to hear, he'd be just as happy back out in the alley. But Mike would have sat up front, so that's what Llewyn does.

Mike would have loved this kid, he thinks.

And, he realises, this is the first time he's thought of Mike without wanting to throw up. It must mean something that his first good thought of the year is about Mike. After months of molten grief churning inside him, something is starting to solidify. If that all over sick feeling fades, maybe he can learn to carry around whatever is left.

One day he will find a way to let the memory of Mike live in his mind without the confusion of grief. He will find the right words, and they will be simple.

Wake from Silence

The silence in the hours before dawn was absolute. There were no birds heralding the arrival of light into the world and no sign of the familiar dirigibles or bi-planes flying overhead as Felix strode across the wet grass to the stables.
( Read more... )

I had this on cassette tape once upon a time and it's stuck with me ever since!

( Read more... )

Title: Trespassing
Prompt: Trespassing and Laughter (as well as 2 and b from this prompt from stayintheroom on dreamwidth)
Bonus? No
Word Count: 878
Rating: PG
Original/Fandom: Original (German occupation of the Channel Islands)
Pairings (if any) Erica/Haber
Warnings (Non-Con/Dub-Con etc): none
Summary: Erica doesn't mean to spy or trespass or intrude, she just wants to see him.

( 'Does it count as trespassing if you lot were, strictly speaking, trespassing first?' I ask with hopes of getting some sort of reaction out of him. Anything would do. )